It has been sixty degrees the past two days and light has returned to my life. Okay, so this statement is a bit misleading or more it leads me down a rabbit hole. Has my depression and anhedonia been seasonal? Has my depression and anhedonia been grief related? Has it all been, because of sobriety? The two long walks I’ve taken, in the botanical gardens, seems to have helped tremendously. Was I really just lacking vitamin D?

My “research” which has consisted of scrolling through subreddits and watching sober tik toks, taught me that anhedonia and depression are somewhat frequent side effects of quitting the booze. Supplement reddit has taught me that vitamin D is a good, albeit not foolproof, way to help relieve depression. I am no expert in anything, except maybe which liquor store near me sells boxed wine at the best rate.

It’s wednesday now, but on Monday I felt very very unwell. I thought I might have some kind of breakdown. I spent my entire day doing entirely too much and was outside of my home from 9:30 am to 7:30 pm. I came home, cried, took two ashwagandha gummies and two melatonin, and wondered whether I would be able to work effectively in the morning. My body said, box of wine, knock yourself out, numb. My brain said take all of your organic stress relief/sleep aid gummies and call in for tuesday. So that’s what I did, but god I wanted that glass or five holiday pours of wine. And I hate calling in, especially in the field I work in, it feels criminal, but it was necessary.

Then I woke up on Tuesday and it was fifty-five degrees at nine am, I wanted wine, I wanted to numb. Honestly, I felt a bit afraid of my brain, because of the lack of enjoyment I’d felt doing anything for the past two weeks. I forced myself to go to the botanical gardens, put on some Adrienne Lanker and walk. I walked three miles, before ten, and I felt some life come back into me. I was able to enjoy watching documentaries and use that coloring book, in bed for the rest of the day. My made bed. I didn’t want to risk climbing under the covers, rolling on my side, and staring out the window. That had been a common thread of the past two weeks.

Would I recommend getting sober in the middle of the worst winter my city had seen in fifteen years? Yes. I would always recommend being sober, because if I was still a heavy drinker, at ten am on a Tuesday morning I would typically be at my job, stressed, full of brain fog, and hangxiety. I would’ve been planning how early I could drink, how much I could sleep, how much food it would take to not feel sick the next day, and I would just repeat the cycle. Instead, despite being the most depressed I can remember being, I went for a three-mile walk. I slowed down and felt the sun on my face, I could smell the grass, and I knew things were going to get better.

And hey, I’m fifteen days sober!