It happened, after twenty-five days of casually mentioning that I was sober, when it was relevant, someone asked me if I’m an alcoholic. The conversation was very innocent, just a discussion about different drinks, I said I didn’t drink, and they asked if I was in recovery. I looked blankly forward, wondering to myself if that were what I would refer to this journey as. Then when I didn’t respond they said: “Are you an alcoholic?” and I wanted to run for the hills. I wanted so badly to say that I was just health conscious. I don’t even remember how I replied.

I have never been a casual drinker. The idea of consuming alcohol for a social purpose or a celebratory occasion does not appeal to me. If I had a more potent alcohol tolerance, I would have been drinking far bigger quantities, than the bottle or so of wine I liked to consume a night. Moderation does not compute with me. My brain cannot fathom why somebody would only have one. If I’m going to drink it will be until I get so drunk I fall asleep. There’s no other form of consumption for me. At least, not one that I have ever succeeded at. So yes, according to all of the programs I am an alcoholic.

Why is that so hard for me to admit to? Because it feels like a commitment, and it is. Owning up to the fact that I cannot be a casual drinker, means that this is for life. I abhor change and this is a big lifestyle change. Deciding that my physical and mental health are more important than a nearly always accessible form of escape, is scary. Hell, even admitting it in the realm of this anonymous post is scary.

Another factor is that now I am really paying attention to the way people I interact with consume alcohol. Many do it most days a week and a few have told me I’m not an alcoholic. That I just like to have fun. That I was in my early to mid-twenties. I was, but I was not consuming at college parties or with friends on the weekend. I was getting blackout drunk, mostly by myself, every single night for years. I don’t think that is normal alcohol consumption. And not only do I not know how to consume alcohol casually. I don’t want to consume alcohol casually. That would take all of the enjoyment out of it for me. So, I just choose not to consume any at all. I didn’t tell the person who asked this, but this has been my thought stream for six hours now.

So, I didn’t say yes, and I didn’t say no. Instead, I ruminated on the question for hours and I still haven’t decided how to respond to that if it should arise again in the future. I’m sure it will and by then I’ll have some lighthearted way of confessing my addiction. For now, I am twenty-five days sober! I am taking every day one day at a time and things are getting better. I will never allude to sobriety being easy and non-life altering. I will say everything it alters seems to be for the better long-term. Better health, more self-confidence, no more two am hangxiety, etc… Twenty-five days has passed quickly and I’m excited to meet sober me twenty-five days from now. She’s going to have nailed the response to this question.