Thirty-Three days sober and I feel like I’m putting in work! What’s been highest on my priority list, now that I’ve adapted somewhat to sober life, is my relationships with others and myself. When you are in the full swing of addiction, in my experience at least, it’s hard to think about anyone else, but yourself. For me, it was a constant need to emmesh with others, but I wasn’t allowing them to tell me about their days. I was just thinking about how I had to get my thoughts out. The near constant word vomit that came from a place of deep insecurity and heightened anxiety, is haunting.

Those monologues made me guilty in my drinking days as well, but it was a side effect of something cyclical. I drank, because I was anxious, I would get depressed from the drinking and revisit my own personal embedded trauma, I would need someone to talk to, I would talk at someone for hours, and I would wake up at two am the following morning and realize what I had done, then the anxiety would strike again.

Anyone who knows me, knows I prefer phone calls to texting, I love a live audience, I love hearing the voices of people I love. I wasn’t really hearing their voices that much back then. So, putting in the work, it means I’m actively aware of social interactions to a t these days. This brings anxiety that I don’t numb with wine or bourbon. Anxiety I have to grit my teeth and bear. I will say social interactions are overall more positive now that I’m not cold calling loved ones a bottle deep, to trauma dump. At least not as much, I’m a work in progress.

Overall, this making up for the behavior of my drinking self is something I was not expecting. The waking up and realizing there’s more growth to be had then just throwing out the box of wine. That was the first step, and I did it! Now it’s time to grow more, learn more, become the best me I can be. In this moment, to me that means showing up for all of those lovely people who have shown up for me for years.

So, if you know me in real life and I didn’t reciprocate the love and support you gave me, know that I’m trying to unlearn that behavior. I am excited to be the best friend and family member I can be. I just wish it hadn’t taken me this long!